What a Life!

Change seems to be the norm around here. The silly little things I want to talk about on my blog seem so, well, insignificant.

The weather is cooling – finally. And soon Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here.

In the past, I seemed to always get in the Christmas mood when the temperatures started dipping into the 50s at night. I grew up in Florida, you know. Fifty degrees at night was exciting for us. But I guess I’ve lived somewhere else long enough that I don’t seem to have that problem anymore.

Usually, my Christmas shopping is finished – or at least all spelled out – by the end of October. Part of that had to do with the weather putting me in the mood. Part of it had to do with me not liking having things hanging over my head.

But as we speak, so much of our lives is up in the air. Family has changed. People have moved away, divorced. Our former traditions are now a thing of the past. I know I still want to have the whole shebang for Thanksgiving dinner this year – and I did fix it all by myself one year just to see if I could do it – but now it’s all up to me, and it seems very far from my mind at the moment.

Last year this time we were waiting on the edges of our seats for Joey’s arrival. He arrived, and then I was recovering from childbirth with Steve taking a week off and my mom being here for ten days after that. Then we had Thanksgiving followed by Joey’s baptism, his bout with pyloric stenosis, my grandmother’s death the day I came home from the hospital with Joey after his surgery, our trip to South Dakota for the funeral…

It all ended with me frantically trying to do laundry on Christmas Eve so we would have things to wear the next day and then realizing at 9:00 p.m. that evening that not a single gift was wrapped and put under the tree. Thank goodness I had made my list back in October – not only had I written down who was getting what, I also had recorded where I had hidden things (very good to know). Steve and I quickly wrapped everything, and the next morning Ben learned who Santa Claus was.

Then, after all that, at Christmas dinner, I mentioned that I didn’t know what I had been thinking when I volunteered to make rolls and pie – two very time-consuming and time-sensitive menu items. Actually, the theory had been that I could do them the day before so I wouldn’t have to rush around Christmas morning while we were unwrapping gifts and then trying to get everyone ready to go over and have Christmas dinner with the family. In reality, considering everything else that was going on, I didn’t get started on either dish until late in the day Christmas Eve, when even if I had decided just to buy pie and rolls it would not have been possible because by then, all the grocery stores were closed. I did manage to pull something together, but it certainly wasn’t in my usual style (as in, shortcuts were taken). And I was so very tired from it all the next day when I made that comment at the dinner table.

But my dear sister-in-law, who was hosting the gathering, sent me an email the next day, telling me how she felt that comment was directed specifically at her and how horrible I was to say such a thing and how I could have bought pie and rolls and blah-blah-blah. Truth of the matter was, it couldn’t have possibly had anything less to do with her – rather, it had everything to do with the life events I had lived through in the past thirty days. Needless to say, that sister-in-law will not be a part of any of our holiday family gatherings this year, and I feel no guilt at all for not being sad and missing her.

Last year, I had made a list of all the holiday recipes I was going to make – favorite cookies, desserts, holiday meals. Every year I make one of those Holiday Control Journals like the Flylady talks about, including not just lists of what we’re going to eat and do but recipes as well. Well, not much got made last year. I did make some things during the winter months long after Christmas had passed, and I have to admit, there are still some specific ingredients for Christmas treats in my pantry.

All in all, it’s almost like we didn’t even have Christmas last year, even though I know it came and went.

This year, like I said, there are some big things that are very different from the traditions that we’ve had in the seven years that I’ve known Steve. And there’s a lot of water that’s going to go under the bridge between now and then. The Planner in me wants to plan, to have everything spelled out like I always do. The Realist in me says that, considering all the change that has happened so far, how could I possibly think that things are going to stay the same enough in the next couple months that I can plan now what I want to do then?

Ultimately, though, if you don’t know what you want to do, chances are, you won’t get to do the things you would have wanted to do. If you don’t dream it, you probably won’t achieve it. So I shall forge ahead and make my list anyway, knowing that those things are just ideas and that knowing what we want to do will help us recognize opportunities to do those things whenever they arise. After all, something is always better than nothing.

And I will continue to ramble on about the things that are irrelevant, just like I normally do. Perhaps it will make life feel more normal, even though nothing seems to be the same. After all, there’s always yarn to buy and sweaters to design…