What a Life!

Yesterday was a bad day. I hardly got anything done, and what I did attempt to do, I did incorrectly, so I might as well have not even bothered. Ugh!

I like those discipline books I talked about the other day. They have some really good techniques that truly are effective. But the one thing I hate about Gentle Discipline and the like (basically every book and forum I’ve come across that discusses discipline without using techniques such as spanking) is that every misbehavior you’re having trouble with is somehow your fault as a parent. “Spanking teaches violence” – so your kids wouldn’t hit other children if you didn’t spank them. [For the record, Ben threw rocks at the cat and kicked her and hit other kids long before he got his first spanking.] Or if you yell at your kids, they learn to yell when they’re frustrated and that’s why they have tantrums. If Gentle Discipline was applied to law enforcement, the reason why people speed would be the fault of the police because they speed when they chase someone who they think just broke the law; otherwise, it would never occur to anyone to drive over the speed limit. I swear! Gentle Discipline is steeped in guilt; in fact, I think they should call it Guilt Discipline.

The other day, Ben was trying to read Joey a story. Of course, Joey wouldn’t sit quietly and listen, as Ben thought he should do (and as Steve thinks Ben should do when he is reading a story to Ben). When Ben does that, Steve stops reading the story. When Joey wouldn’t listen to Ben, Ben hit him on the head with the book. That is not behavior he learned from us, thank you very much.

Ben has no respect for Joey’s space – he is constantly trying to “correct” him. Joey doesn’t play with toys properly – Ben will take toys from him and show him how to play with them instead of letting him explore. Joey doesn’t play with the correct toys – Ben will take one toy away from him and hand him another. If Joey is on his tummy, he should be on his back so Ben will forcefully roll him over regardless of what Joey was doing. If Joey is sitting, Ben will knock him over because he should be on his tummy. And on and on and on. If you buy into the theory that your children misbehave because of how you behave…the fact that we correct Ben’s behavior would be why Ben is trying to correct Joey’s behavior (even though the things he corrects him for are rarely anything he’s seen us correct anyone for). All I have to say is that if getting a ticket from a police officer meant that I could give tickets to other drivers, I would write at least a half a dozen tickets every time I went to town. Seriously!

I try to explain to Ben that Joey is a baby and he learns by exploring and we need to respect his space and let him play however he wants with things he is allowed to have. I explain that in various forms and pieces over and over and over again. And it helps. But getting this desire to “correct” Joey out of his system is not easy to do. If he takes a toy away from Joey and hits him with it, I take the toy away from him (though, for the record, I don’t hit him with it). He’s had time-outs. He’s been spanked (it’s called, trying everything). But I can’t get anything done (or do anything right) because I’m constantly dealing with Ben on this issue.

Oh, and by the way, he isn’t potty trained yet and he’s almost four and I’m supposed to be getting him potty trained. Yes, thank you very much. We’ll have these family gatherings to celebrate Ben’s birthday, and inevitably someone will ask how potty-training is going because apparently that is a topic of interest. The only reason why I would share how that is going would be to express frustration (as I’m doing here) or because I’m seeking advice (which I don’t do anymore because it’s been quite a while since I’ve heard anything new). The people who always think they need to ask about it fall into neither of those categories which means their asking about it only serves to make me mad. Yes, I am a completely inept mother: my child is four and he is not potty trained. Thank you very much for bringing into light what an idiot I am.

And people go on and on about how you cannot force a child to potty train – it only happens when they are ready and they decide they want to do it. Yes, we couldn’t force Ben to eat either, and he had his first non-breastmilk food when he was a year-and-a-half old because he is very set in his ways and resists any kind of change. Ben never put anything in his mouth; Joey puts things in his mouth all the time. Joey watches us eat and finds it very interesting; Ben never did that at all, though I was watching for it like a hawk because that’s what everyone said children do and that’s when you’re supposed to introduce solids. Now that I’ve seen Joey showing an interest in food, I know I wouldn’t have missed it had Ben done it like everyone said. I really am not stupid.

I’m so tired of feeling like a failure because my child can’t do basic things other mother’s seem to be able to teach their children to do. I’m so tired of feeling like a failure because my child misbehaves and somehow it’s all my fault. I am so tired of being irritated at my child because his misbehavior drives me crazy and prevents me from focusing on even the most simple task enough to do it correctly. I’m just tired, tired, tired. And every evening Steve comes home and wonders why I don’t have anything to say (which, apparently, usually I do). He should be glad I don’t have anything to say. It would just be one long rant.

And in case you actually made it all the way to the end of this sordid post, you deserve a bit of humor. Here is something else I learned about myself recently. The other day, we received an offer in the mail from Dish Network. The catch? It is printed in some language I did not realize I knew. In fact, I don’t even know what language it is printed in. The only things I can make out are “Dish Network” and “$345.” Otherwise, it’s a complete mystery to me. Laugh on!