What a Life!

Remember all the great plans I had for my garden? I did finally plant it about a month ago (much later than I intended thanks to all the rain we had this spring).

Here is a picture of my little plot.

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Yesterday, we continued in our effort to potty train Ben. The method? I let him play outside – naked. [Don’t worry, he was in the back yard and our house is very wide and he either plays at the very back (we have a deep lot) or right up behind the house, so I doubt anyone could see him. I keep a window open so I can hear what is going on out there, and I check on him regularly as well.] Every time I went out there, I asked him if he had gone tinkle or stinky and then I explained to him that when it happened, he needed to pay attention to how it worked so he could figure out how to do it on the potty. You know, the awareness aspect of potty-training.

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Yesterday was a bad day. I hardly got anything done, and what I did attempt to do, I did incorrectly, so I might as well have not even bothered. Ugh!

I like those discipline books I talked about the other day. They have some really good techniques that truly are effective. But the one thing I hate about Gentle Discipline and the like (basically every book and forum I’ve come across that discusses discipline without using techniques such as spanking) is that every misbehavior you’re having trouble with is somehow your fault as a parent. “Spanking teaches violence” – so your kids wouldn’t hit other children if you didn’t spank them. [For the record, Ben threw rocks at the cat and kicked her and hit other kids long before he got his first spanking.] Or if you yell at your kids, they learn to yell when they’re frustrated and that’s why they have tantrums. If Gentle Discipline was applied to law enforcement, the reason why people speed would be the fault of the police because they speed when they chase someone who they think just broke the law; otherwise, it would never occur to anyone to drive over the speed limit. I swear! Gentle Discipline is steeped in guilt; in fact, I think they should call it Guilt Discipline.

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This morning I came across this post over at Kerflop which sent me over to this excellent post about honoring your children and teaching them to work.

I must confess, I fall into the category of mother’s who do everything themselves because it is so much easier, even though Ben is obsessed with helping. Yes, he copies everything I do when I clean the house, even insisting that he have his own cleaning rag. Ach! I really need to build on that interest now while he wants to be like me. I have a major guilt complex right now. Ouch!

I ordered the catalog Kerflop mentioned. Perhaps that’s what we’ll get Ben for his birthday – cleaning tools. He would be so excited! He had a cleaning set but the vacuum and broom both broke (from overuse?).

I don’t remember when I started doing things around the house, but I know my sister and I did a lot once we were in grade school. I was just thinking Ben wasn’t ready yet, but after reading these posts, I’m thinking that he is. He could help fold towels, his own clothes, and maybe even other things. He could stand on a stool and dry dishes if I washed them during the day (usually Steve does them while Ben gets ready for bed). He could help clean if he had the proper tools – he could dust, sweep, and clean his little potty for real. I think he’d be thrilled to get to help.

When he’s outside, one of his favorite toys is this play mower my mom and I found at some garage sale. He’ll tell me he needs to go outside and mow (just like Daddy does). He loved helping wash the car the other day. And the point Heather made about children really helping when you get involved is true. Not only are they helping, but you’re building commradery between your children and yourself as well (like being on the same team, which I mentioned yesterday). Steve and I are both good at keeping up with household chores – we just need to involve Ben in the process so he can be directly involved rather than copying us on the sidelines.

Okay, the wheels are turning. Clearly there are going to be some big changes here…

A week ago, I talked about some books I had ordered and my great hopes for what I was going to learn. [I was having a low moment as a mother and found myself groping for advice, any advice, that would work and help me feel more successful as a mother.] Now that I’ve had a week to look over the books, here’s the scoop on what I’ve learned…

I opened the No-Cry Potty Training Solution book first, as potty training is most obvious challenge with Ben right now. I think this is a great potty-training book, and I will certainly loan it to my sister when it comes time for her to potty-train. But with our situation, I found little new advice, much less advice that was of any help. I think with Ben, the only solution is going to be to talk him through it, in great detail, and empower him to figure it out once and for all. Deep breath…

The next book I read portions of was Raising Your Spirited Child. I kind of skipped all the quizzes and stuff in the first section and dove right into the second section where the various elements of your child’s personality are discussed. I did find this book very insightful, though I have only read about four of the chapters so far.

The other book – Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child – I have not looked at yet.

All of those books came on Friday so I looked at them over the weekend.

On Monday, I received the two books by Aldele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk and Siblings without Rivalry . So far I’ve only read a couple chapters in each of these books, but as of right now, I would say that if a parent only wanted to buy two books about parenting, these two books would be hands-down the books I would recommend.

The titles are certainly clever, but if I were to say what these books are really about, it would be how to get along with your kids, and how to help your kids get along with each other (both siblings and friends). What they do is help you understand how things are from your kid’s perspective – after all, kids are people too. Once you can empathize with them, you can present the facts of the situation and alternate behaviors in a way that makes sense to them and thus promotes good behavior. The skills you’ll be teaching about how to get along with other people are skills that they will use throughout their lives.

There is a movement in the parenting world that is big on not spanking and, in fact, not even punishing your children. The only alternatives I’ve heard from these people are things like, “Oh, we let our two-year-old climb on the table. Eventually he grew out of it.” Sorry, but waiting for my children to “grow out of” bad behavior is not acceptable to me. Nope. I’m not saying parents shouldn’t punish their children – I’m just saying that these books actually give you workable alternatives to punishment.

I get tired of yelling at Ben. Some days my voice is hoarse by the time Steve gets home. There are days when he gets home from work and wants to know why I don’t have much to say – it’s because I’m so exasperated with Ben hitting Joey, dragging him around by his foot, taking his toys away from him or throwing them at him, going over to his crib while he’s sleeping and saying loudly “Joey’s awake! Joey’s awake!” like a broken record and so forth that I have absolutely nothing to say. I just want to leave and not come back for quite some time. It’s like I have this social deviant who prides himself on being beligerent.

But then there are these times when it’s like we’re on the same team, when Ben is cooperative and playing nicely and I can show him interesting things that expand his little world. I like those moments. I think these books help you have more moments like that. The techniques teach you how to be “on their team” even when you’re disciplining them. I like that.

Of course, I haven’t finished either book yet [and I still do plenty of yelling, it seems], but things are getting better [I do find myself yelling less], and I have great hope for the future. Stay tuned…