The Yarn Harlot recently published a post about how, when writing in a blog, it’s not like writing in a private journal; rather, it’s like speaking into a microphone in a really large room. It’s true – you never know who might come across your post and read what you’ve said.
I am not familiar with the specific incident that inspired such a post. But I have seen things like that crop up from time to time. In fact, I’ve experienced a few sticky situations myself – both online and in real life. Quite frankly, who hasn’t?
The question of what is and what isn’t appropriate to say on one’s blog is a legitimate one. Every time the topic comes up, for whatever reason, I do my own soul-searching, question my own judgments and reaffirm my own position on what I say and what I don’t say. In case you’re wondering what my personal guidelines are, here they are.
Rule #1:
If you’re talking about someone else, if they or someone close to them read what you’re saying, would you feel uncomfortable?
We all talk about other people at some point, whether online or in real life. It doesn’t matter whether I’m writing in my blog, posting in a forum, writing someone an email, or talking with someone in real life. The question remains: if what I’m saying about someone else got back to them, would I feel uncomfortable?
I think it’s unreasonable to have a policy that you never talk about other people. There are times when it is appropriate to discuss the behavior of others without bringing it up directly with the party in question. It’s a matter of understanding what you can control and what you can’t control.
You can control your actions and your responses to other’s actions.
You cannot control other’s actions or other’s responses to your actions.
There are many situations where bringing up a topic with the party in question would only add fuel to the fire rather than quenching it. In those situations, you can choose to change your own actions [in hopes that their response will be different if they are responding to different actions]. You can choose to distance yourself from the party in question [which may or may not be feasible]. Or you can simply choose to ignore their response to your actions.
Discussing which course to take – whether in person with a trusted friend or online with an unknown audience – requires the same respect for the party in question. You can state what the offending behavior is – what the facts are as you see them [they were twenty minutes late to the restaurant so we had to sit there with stomachs growling and watch other people eat while we waited for them]. You can state your response to the given behavior [I felt angry – there are lots of things I would rather be doing than sitting in a restaurant watching other people eat while I wait for someone else]. You can discuss how you might change my response to their behavior [We can be seated and begin eating at the agreed-upon time regardless of whether or not they have arrived rather than waiting for them and allowing feelings of anger and frustration to build up].
Ultimately, it may not be an issue that you choose to take up directly with the party in question, but if they read what you wrote, you could stand by what you said. If fate somehow directed them to your blog (or what you said got back to them), perhaps it was something they needed to hear about how their actions affected others even though it might not be something they wanted to hear. Perhaps. One cannot write with the intention of setting things straight by posting in their blog; that would be considered underhanded. At the same time, there is nothing inherently wrong with sharing your own story for the sake of sharing your own experience; after all, that is what blogging is about.
Rule #2
It is important to try not to offend.
It is equally important to try not to be offended.
Keyword: try. You can try as hard as you can not to offend, but there will always be someone out there who could be offended by something you said…and what they might be offended by might possibly be the last thing that you would ever imagine would ever offend someone. Given the nature of opinions, they will always differ. Let’s face it – sometimes even the “facts” are debatable.
In some cases, someone else’s opinion on a given topic is no more the final answer than your own opinion. Neither of you have the authority to call the troops out of Iraq or to single-handedly impeach the President. You can state what you think on the matter, and perhaps vote for the person who you think will do what you might do if you were in charge, but that is all.
In other cases, such as when you’re discussing something that is yours [such as how you keep your office], your opinion is the bottom line and their opinion is irrelevant. So what if someone links to your site and says, “Did you see the picture she posted of her office? Isn’t that wallpaper ugly?” That would be a situation where you choose your response to their action. If you sit around and cry about what horrible things they said, it is your prerogative. There are times when having a thick skin can be a virtue.
When it comes to controversial topics, there are always those who tout that “they don’t discuss [such things] on their blog.” That’s certainly one way to handle it. But there are times when I’ve tackled such topics head-on. In those cases, I ask myself this: Is this something I would want to read on someone else’s blog?
In the case of personal issues (such as someone being late to a restaurant and what to do about it), I post not so much because I want to vent my side of the issue, though that is part of the reason; rather, I post so that other might learn life lessons from what I’ve experienced. Someone else might be facing a similar problem and find comfort – even courage – in reading about what happened to me and how I chose to respond. Or so I hope. I know in those times I cling very tightly to the wisdom shared by others who have been down similar paths. If nothing else good comes from the situation, at least I can share some of my own experience and wisdom learned with someone else who can use it.
In the case of social issues (such as global warming or parenting choices), if what I’m hearing others say (or post) generally differs from what I think, I sum up the courage to post what I think simply on grounds that it is what I would yearn to read on someone else’s blog (or hear someone else say). There seem to be all sorts of opinions where one perspective is en vogue and that anyone who is stupid enough to think otherwise belongs in the same category as members of the Flat Earth Society.
Take tailgating. “Tailgaters are bad.” “I hate being tailgated.” Those are popular, politically correct opinions, but they are not necessarily the only way of looking at things. No one ever seems to question the behavior of the person being tailgated…like whether their driving 48 mph in the left lane of a 55 mph zone and clogging traffic is any less despicable than the behavior of the person riding their bumper. Really.
Again, my perspective on such issues is no more the final word that someone else’s. At the same time, I think my opinion is equally valid and worth stating.
In fact, I’ve learned a lot of things online that I don’t know if I ever would have learned in real life. Take knitting. I wouldn’t be a knitter if it wasn’t for diapering forums where the moms talked about knitting wool diaper covers for their children. Or Mormons. I have no desire to be a Mormon myself, but after reading the blogs of Mormon moms online who I happen to have things in common with (like cloth diapering or knitting or sewing), I have no problem with having a Mormon for President (though I am not endorsing any candidate). You can learn all sorts of things about people that supersede prejudgments you might otherwise have by reading blogs and such online.
I’m sure that at some point, something I’ve said on my blog will come back to bite me. In fact, it’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. That’s how life is. I’ve gotten flamed in forums. I’ve had threads I started shut down because they went the wrong direction. I’ve sent emails about my boss to my boss instead of the co-worker I intended to send them to. I’ve had heart to heart conversations with people in real life where I thought we had an understanding and three days later they were saying horrible things about me based on things that weren’t even close to anything I had actually said. I can tell you, it’s not fun. But I survived.
Ultimately, I think it is better to risk connecting with others than to keep to oneself out of fear of possibly offending someone. Each situation has to be considered on its own. Clearly, there are some things that would better be left unsaid. [Ironically, when I moved my blog from Movable Type to WordPress, there were a number of drafts that I’d completely forgotten about which I promptly deleted because they were not things I wanted to post on my blog.]
There are also blogs that I read faithfully where occasionally opinions are stated that I disagree with vehemently, but I still read those blogs. [I listen to Rush Limbaugh every now and then, too, to balance it all out, you know.] While I may disagree with certain viewpoints, I still see the people behind the viewpoints, the people who passionately want the best for everyone just as I do. Sometimes I modify my viewpoints; other times, I cling to my ideas more tightly. One does not suffer for having their opinions challenged now and again.
Finally, the “rules” I set for myself as to what I will and will not post on my blog are not necessarily what others may choose to go by on their blogs. Each person has their own comfort level with what things they are willing to say or not say. These are simply the rules that I choose to follow. For what it’s worth…
Edited to add: I think I found the offending post…and I had read it and didn’t even notice the potential for an uproar. Yup, that’s how I am sometimes. While the words of one person can influence the opinions of a large audience (take Oprah saying that she could hardly stand the thought of eating a hamburger), the reputation of the party in question does not rest on that one person’s experience or opinion. We live in a society where we are quick to blame others for our problems rather than taking responsibility for our own choices and deciding to choose differently in the future. Personal responsibility is a two-way street – you are just as responsible for your behavior as others are responsible for what they say about your behavior. Enough said…