What a Life!

We stayed home yesterday – again. I did important things…like organize my yarn and look for Ben’s shoes (which I didn’t find until the end of the day). Every cell in my body still revolts at the idea of leaving the house, but we’re almost out of milk so we will be running errands today.

On the docket…

I’m supposed to drop off my stuff for Neat Repeatz today. Small problem…I cannot find hardly anything to sell. I swear I had a sack full of stuff for the spring sale, but I cannot find it anywhere. The only things I’ve managed to locate are Ben’s old mattress, two table games, and a dishwasher-bottle-holder deal. Somehow I am not sure those few things merit the trouble it will be to check in my stuff with two boys in tow.

I want to get my new music books spiral bound. They’re made of sturdy paper…which isn’t very good at staying put when you try to prop the books open. I’m getting really tired of having to stop playing because the pages relaxed a little and pulled out from underneath my prop. I was going to wait until I went home to do this (my parents own a print shop) but it’s driving me crazy enough that I’m ready to pay someone to do it locally.

Groceries.

Playgroup.

I need to buy compost at Earl May so I can start planting my garden outside. My original plan was to start planting things at the beginning of April, but the weather did not cooperate. Now I have a new gardening book – How to Grow More Vegetables – and I want to implement some of the ideas in it. I like it because it gives in depth instructions on so many of the things I have read about but haven’t been sure how to do. The last two days I probably could have gone out and planted things, but I wanted to use compost and I hadn’t gotten to Earl May yet. Then I’m thinking I want to work outside on Saturday or Sunday morning when Steve is home and can watch the boys. Always some kind of hold-up – I’m still doing better than I did last year, though.

And what is it with three-year-olds and babies? Ben is either knocking Joey up-side the head with his toys or pushing his hands or feet or head, for that matter, into positions he thinks they should be in. It’s like he has this sense of order that he needs to impose on Joey. Joey is spending more time on his tummy on the floor, and Ben will come over and smash his face into the carpet because he thinks his head should be down. When he’s playing with other kids his age, sometimes he’ll go over and forcefully show them how to play with a toy (he does that with Joey, too). Why? Why? Why? I don’t remember doing that to my sister when I was Ben’s age? I’ve tried explaining (comes out more like yelling sometimes), doing to Ben what he just did to Joey (Do you like your face being smashed into the carpet, Ben?), trying to keep them separate (not letting Ben get in Joey’s space where he can do such things), and so on. Sometimes I think it’s a wonder the first child survives because the parents don’t know what they are doing…and then sometimes I think it’s a wonder the second child survives because they have to thrive in spite of the “help” of their older sibling. But seriously, we’ve all see the older child get upset when the younger child tries to look at the older child’s toys – I don’t even want to think about what it’s going to be like once Joey starts getting into things. Joey likes to watch Ben play, which is great for me right now. Oh, I just don’t want to think about it…

Babies are so fun at this stage, though. Joey is starting to take an interest in things. If I sit him in the corner of the couch and give him a toy, he’ll sit there and entertain himself looking at it. Ben didn’t play with his toys much at this age, but then again, he started crawling within two weeks of when he started sitting so there wasn’t much time for such uninterrupted examination of things. Joey is very close to sitting, but not quite yet ready to do it on his own. And like I said, he loves tummy time on the floor in the middle of the room where he can watch everyone.

He’ll be six months old on Monday. I’ve been receiving a barage of mail from the baby food companies promoting their food. After my experience with Ben who resisted solids until well after his first birthday, I’ve been reading up on introducing solids. My favorite site for good information is kellymom.com. I still believe strongly that solids should complement breastmilk until at least the end of the first year rather than the other way around. Ben just never showed any interest in food like all the books said babies did so my method of “following his cues” didn’t work.

I found an interesting link on that site (can’t find it right now) where they talked about letting baby control his own experiences with food. Rather than spoon feeding puree (which they cannot choose whether or not to eat it except to spit it out), you give them pieces of food that they can hold in their hands (such as a broccoli flowerette) and let them play with it and stick it in their mouth as they please. You can do that with all sorts of foods and they can control how much they taste of it and whether they want more. So along those lines, I think my strategy with Joey, once he can sit up, will be to put him in the high chair and give him a piece of food to “explore” when we sit down to have a meal. That way he can go at his own pace, and perhaps we won’t repeat the eating fiasco we had with Ben.

As a part of that plan, I’ve started feeding Ben at the table “like a big boy” instead of in the high chair so that he won’t consider my putting Joey in the high chair an invasion of “his space” when I start doing it. So far, so good. In fact, I even have some pictures, but they’re still in the camera so you will have to wait. I’ll be posting them soon, I promise. I’m still trying to get my act together…

Yesterday, I parked myself at home all day. I needed a day of piddling so I could just get some things done once. The things I needed to do in town can just wait.

I did the laundry. In fact, this morning, I’m washing the sheets. That’s the one load that often gets neglected.

I cleared off the desk and made a small pile of things that need to be done – like putting the temporary insurance cards in the new car. Today I will reconcile the accounts and pay bills (something I normally do weekly but hasn’t been done since I wrecked the car – no worry, everything was paid on time).

I’ve downloaded the pictures from my camera – almost 300 of them – and I’ve taken more since then. There are some good ones I intend to post, but I have not had a chance to go through them yet. One thing at a time…

When Joey wakes up from his morning nap, we will go for a walk. The weather has been beautiful – it’s time I get out and enjoy it some more.

And my new piano…oh! I am so enjoying my new piano. I loved the sound and the touch when I played it in the store. I love it even more now that it is in my living room. It’s just marvelous! The more I play, the more it comes back to me – I’m better at remembering what key I’m playing in and doing the reaches without looking. And the touch…I love the touch of this piano. My fingers fly over the keys and play those fast little notes clearly and effortlessly. It is so amazing! I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. Grandma would be so proud of the joy this piano is bringing into our home!

I think today will be another day for “piddling” at home. My soul is refreshed, but it’s asking for more…

I got up this morning at 5:00 a.m. because I knew I needed some quiet time to think. I got out one of my favorite books – The Joy Diet by Martha Beck.

The second chapter is about telling yourself the Truth. You’re supposed to ask yourself what you’re feeling (in this case, angry), and then whether the story you’re telling yourself about something is correct and replace it with a more accurate story, if necessary. Here are the results:

While [Un]Gracious Guest may be complaining that she does not feel “welcome” in the home of [Un]Gracious Host, I think it might be more accurate to say that she may not feel “comfortable” staying in the home of [Un]Gracious Host.

Let’s say you’re traveling to a faraway city and you need a place to stay. You happen to have friends who live in that faraway city and you call them to see if they’re in town and if they can recommend a place for you to stay. Faraway Friends are ecstatic that you are coming to visit their city and offer their home as a place for you to stay. They would love to see you, and would just be thrilled if you would stay with them.

One catch, though – they don’t have a spare bed for you to sleep on. That’s right…you’d be sleeping on the floor. They’re up front with you about that so that you can make an informed decision about where you will be most comfortable staying.

The fact that they do not have a bed for you to sleep on does not mean that they’re not making you feel welcome in their home. That’s right – it’s not that you’re not welcome to stay there, it’s that you might not feel comfortable staying there.

I mean, in this situation, [Un]Gracious Host is welcoming [Un]Gracious Guest into their home so that [Un]Gracious Guest will not have to stay in a homeless shelter or sleep in her car. It is the home of [Un]Gracious Host, not the home of [Un]Gracious Guest. It is not the responsibility of [Un]Gracious Host to make her home such that [Un]Gracious Guest feels more comfortable in the home of [Un]Gracious Host than she would in her own home.

If there are things that [Un]Gracious Host knows [Un]Gracious Guest does in her own home that would get on the nerves of [Un]Gracious Host if [Un]Gracious Guest were to do them in the home of [Un]Gracious Host, making [Un]Gracious Host very short-tempered very quickly, it is only fair for [Un]Gracious Host to let [Un]Gracious Guest know what those things are beforehand so [Un]Gracious Guest can make an informed decision as to where she will feel most comfortable staying. Just like telling someone you don’t have a bed for them to sleep on. That, in fact, is what [Un]Gracious Host has tried to do and for which [Un]Gracious Guest has accused [Un]Gracious Host of “not making her feel welcome in their home.”

They say “There’s no place like home” for a reason. Even though I still can say I’ve spent more years of my life living with my parents than living on my own and while I love my parents very much, I must confess that I feel more comfortable staying in my own home than in theirs. When I go to visit them, I try to go along with how they do things because, after all, I am staying in their home. There is a short list of things that they do differently than us and drive us crazy (and they know what they are), while they make a noble effort to do those things less, we also make a noble effort to exercise tolerance. That’s just how it is.

There’s no place like home. Feeling welcome in someone else’s home and feeling comfortable in someone else’s home are two different things. Feeling more comfortable in someone else’s home than in your own home is not a reasonable expectation. There may be nice things that they have that you don’t have – like a swimming pool or a big kitchen. But ultimately, you are going to feel more comfortable in your own home. Period.

So let’s get this straight: If [Un]Gracious Guest does not think she will feel comfortable in the home of [Un]Gracious Host, she is welcome to make other arrangements. If she finds a place where she can stay and where she thinks she will feel more comfortable, by all means, she should feel free to stay there. More power to her! She is under no obligation to stay in the home of [Un]Gracious Host.

If [Un]Gracious Guest decides that, in spite of her reservations about [Un]Gracious Host’s rules, she would, indeed, like to stay in the home of [Un]Gracious Host, there will be one more thing that [Un]Gracious Guest needs to understand and accept if she is to stay in the home of [Un]Gracious Host: namely, that if you have a problem with something that [Un]Gracious Host does, you need to take up that issue directly with [Un]Gracious Host rather than going behind her back and complaining to others and making all sorts of accusations that are not true. There is nothing wrong with saying you don’t feel “comfortable” in someone’s home and explaining why. There is something wrong with accusing them of “not making you feel welcome” when, in fact, they have made every effort to make you feel welcome in their home. It’s called, being a Gracious Guest.

One thing I did right before our new piano was delivered was to visit the local music store and buy some music to play. Steve had mentioned that he loves the piano playing on A Charlie Brown Christmas so when I saw The Charlie Brown Collection music book, I had to buy it.

One of the songs in this book is Linus and Lucy. If you know that song, you know it has syncopated rhythm. If you know me, you know that I am blissfully unaware of a lot of popular culture; needless to say, in this case, it means I am somewhat familiar with the song, but not enough to get the syncopated rhythm without some deliberate effort.

The song is written in 4/4 time, but as I was practicing it yesterday – one hand at a time – I was counting to eight in order to make sure I got the syncopation correct. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8…

Thankfully, I have gotten past that stage with this piece. And while Ben has heard me play many other pieces without counting, every time I start playing this one, he starts counting: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8…

Apparently that’s what you do when you hear this song…

Okay, if you’re unemployed and the place where you are living has been sold and the new owner wants to let his daughter live in your apartment…you need a place to stay while you continue your job search.

First of all, we understand that you want to work in Small City, but considering the fact that you’ve gotten two job offers in Large City and no offers in Small City, perhaps you ought to continue searching in both Large City and Small City and take whatever you get since you soon will have no place to live. Just saying is all…

Then, if you’re going to be staying with someone else, yes, the host needs to be gracious, but you as a guest need to be gracious also. Two-way street here.

For example, if Gracious Host who does not smoke asks that if you choose to smoke, you do so at least 20 feet from the house and not in front of the children, you need to be a Gracious Guest and oblige. Smoking right outside the door once when you come to visit three times a year is fine; smoking immediately outside the door multiple times on a daily basis will make that part of the house smell of cigarette smoke even when you are not there smoking. Gracious Host has said that implement weather can be an exception. But as Gracious Guest, you need to understand the affect that your smoking has on other people and be accomodating. No one is lecturing you on how smoking is bad for you or telling you that you should quit; they are simply asking that if you choose to smoke, you do so politely.

When you offer to give your mattress to Gracious Host since you won’t be using it and they need a new one, if they say no thank-you because your furniture smells like cigarette smoke, you need to understand that they are rejecting the mattress, not you. We understand that you smoke only in your basement with the window open and the air filter on and we appreciate every effort you make to reduce the smell of cigarette smoke in your apartment. At the same time, as non-smokers, we can still smell the cigarette smoke in your furniture. While we appreciate your offer to give us your mattress, we are simply saying “No, thank you” to your offer. Please be a Gracious Guest and do not get upset about Gracious Host not wanting your mattress.

In the home of Gracious Host, there is a TV and a radio upstairs in the living room, and there is another TV and radio downstairs in the family room. Gracious Host is very sensitive to cloudy days and lack of sunlight so Gracious Host normally spends the majority of her time upstairs with the curtains wide open and the sun shining in. Since you have heavy blinds covered by lace curtains that restrict the amount of light entering your home, Gracious Host is assuming that a basement with daylight windows will not be too bright to bother you. Since Gracious Host prefers to be upstairs, Gracious Host has offered that you can choose the TV or radio station downstairs as a general rule. Even though it is our space, you can kind of consider it your space and be the one to call the shots there. This is not a judgment on how you dress the windows in your home. It is simply an observation of differences in styles and a desire to accomodate everyone by giving them “space” where they will be most comfortable.

When Gracious Host mentions that she spends very little time watching TV because of the high-pitched squeal it has while it is on which gives her a headache, you need to understand that having the TV on all day as background noise even though volume is down low or muted simply may not work for Gracious Host. If there are specific shows you like to watch, by all means, watch them. But if you like having noise on in the background all day, kindly turn on the radio instead of the TV. Gracious Host is not asking that you listen to classical music all day as she does – she is simply asking that you listen to the radio instead of the TV.

When you are staying with someone else as a guest in their home, it puts a strain on everyone. There are some things that tax some people’s patience more than others. If you know what those things are and can avoid them as much as possible, things will go far more smoothly. Gracious Host has simply let you know what things will exhaust her patience very quickly. If you want everyone to be happy and get along, it would be in your best interest to abide by those simple requests as much as possible.

Please remember, even though Gracious Host’s pantry is downstairs in the utility room for lack of space in the kitchen, she has offered to keep your favorite foods around so that you will feel comfortable. The fact that she prefers Mayonnaise and you prefer Miracle Whip is not a judgment on who is a better person – it is simply a difference in preference. Gracious Host has offered to stock Miracle Whip, iced tea, diet Pepsi, and any other things you keep around and enjoy regularly in your own home. No, she does not have room for those things – but she will be happy to make room so that you can be comfortable.

You will have the downstairs bathroom exclusively to yourself. Gracious Host says she cleans the house once a week – every Friday. If you can help with the cleaning, that would be great, but Gracious Host will personally see to it that the cleaning gets done regardless. If you would like to clean more often, feel free. Gracious Host does at least one load of laundry daily. Simply let her know when you need to do some laundry, and she will be happy to make sure her things are out of your way. It’s all part of getting along when staying in someone else’s home.

Gracious Host has made it clear what the basic ground rules are going to be so you know what to expect and can make an informed decision as to whether staying with Gracious Host is what you want to do while you are between jobs. The last thing Gracious Host wants is for you to come to her home and then find out staying there is not like what you thought it would be. While no one can see the future perfectly, discussing the apparently obvious in advance gives you an idea of what to expect things will be like both in terms of daily routines and negotiation styles. Gracious Host wants you to feel welcome in her home and wants to make everyone as comfortable as possible. That meast both Gracious Host and Gracious Guest will have preferences, and both will also make concessions. Again, it’s a two-way street.

Now…calling other family members and crying on the phone about how Gracious Host is not making you feel welcome in her home because won’t let you smoke your cigarettes, she won’t let you bring your furniture into her home, she won’t let you watch TV, and she doesn’t like your lace curtains…indeed, by doing that, you will find that all of a sudden you are not a welcome guest in the home of Gracious Host. Calling someone else and crying and telling them how horrible Gracious Host is, is not a manner becoming of a Gracious Guest. For someone to feel welcome in someone else’s home, it requires both a Gracious Host and a Gracious Guest. You need to play your role of Gracious Guest as honorably as you think Gracious Host should play her role. Anything less will indeed make you very unwelcome in the home of Gracious Host very quickly. Is there any part of – You need to do your part and be a Gracious Guest – that you do not understand?

Just saying is all…

Can I just say that I am tired of trying to reason with unreasonable people? I get one situation resolved and another one crops up. I’m exhausted. Right now there are two situations I’m dealing with – one came up Monday, the other yesterday evening. I dreamed about both of them all night last night…all mixed together.

And yes, I even told one of them exactly how things are…though I don’t know that I would be so blunt in real life. There comes a time, though, where being nice only prolongs the agony. At some point, you either need to put up or shut up. Period. And that’s what I’d really like to tell that person…in fact, exactly what I told them in my dream. Steve had left for work, and I called her up and put it straight to her…in my dream.

Okay, I have other things to do today. No telling people exactly where to take it. At least not right now. I need to do some laundry so Joey has clothes to wear. I need to finish rearranging our house now that the piano is here. I still haven’t figured out how I want things, and these situations only make it more difficult for me to think about silly things like where furniture goes. I have outgrown baby gear to put away. My desk is a mess (again!). And I have no idea what we’ll be having for supper. A trip to the grocery store is in order, perhaps?

Deliver me now…deliver me now…