Indirectly
Aug 17th, 2007 by Tana
Sometimes the best way to solve problems is indirectly.
The spitting thing? Based on my scientific observations (ha! ha!), it’s only a problem when Ben is bored. Keep him busy and spitting isn’t a problem.
Yes, boredom is an issue we have with Ben right now. I never had that problem when I was his age, but then again, I had someone next door less than a year younger than me who I spent hours every day playing with. One of the things I think Ben needs is a playmate. There are no candidates on our street (at least that I know of) but we do know three families with little boys his age who he enjoys playing with (and whose company I approve). I shall make more of an effort to make sure he gets together with his little friends more often – as in, more than the once a week we are doing currently.
Sometimes a small investment of time has big payoffs. I’ve found that if I spend fifteen minutes reading Ben a story of his choice, he will in turn spend an hour reading the book himself. A simple way to stave off boredom without an overwhelming amount of effort on my part.
I’m trying to include him in my activities whenever possible. The other day I made a peach pie and Ben “helped” me. When I finished rolling out the crust, I let him use the rolling pin a little to give it the “final touches.” When I mixed the peaches with the sugar and flour, I let him stir it a little – again, “final touches.” I remember enjoying watching my mother cook and bake when I was a child. It doesn’t take much effort for me to involve Ben in what I’m doing, and the amount that is slows me down really is almost less than the amount of time and effort I would spend getting after him if he was left to his own devices.
And that book I ordered last weekend? A lifesaver! I highly recommend it for every SAHM with a three to six-year-old. It is very much along my lines of thinking (discourages tv, encourages activities we already do like going for a walk and such) while giving me lots of ideas where I can enrich what I am already doing. Stuff that I can fit into our lives…a little here, a little there. I so needed something like that.
One friend suggested I enroll Ben in preschool. The potty-training thing has been my official excuse, but she said he is no more potty trained than her children were when they went. All children his age, it seems, have accidents. But the real issue? We are contemplating homeschool, and that would mean doing preschool at home, not sending him somewhere else. I am adamant that we will remain open to all options and do whatever is best for each of our children, whether that is homeschool or enrolling them somewhere else. At the same time, that means putting in sincere effort when we come across snags and trying to figure out what the real problem is rather than blaming it on how he is being schooled.
In this case, I’ve struggled a lot with my desire to homeschool and his apparent boredom. But for now, my conclusion is that he could be bored in preschool too. I wasn’t enrolled in school until the second grade, but from then all the way through high school, I found school to be quite boring. It wasn’t until I was in college that I enjoyed school as much as I did the year my mom taught me at home. [That would be one of my main motivations for wanting to homeschool my children.]
The socialization issue? Homeschoolers argue that socialization means learning how to get along with people, and that should go beyond learning how to get along with people who are exactly your age (which is the type of socialization a child gets when going to school). While I agree, I also see the need for children to have playmates. Everyone needs to have good friends they enjoy spending their time with. In a school setting, you might meet people or make a friend or two, but the kind of social time spent with a favorite playmate is something even a child enrolled in school would do mostly outside of the school setting. So whether or not Ben has time to spend with playmates is less about whether or not he goes to preschool and more about the effort that I make as his mother to see to it that he gets to spend time on such activities.
[And I will be the first to confess that while I got along with the kids in school as I was growing up, I didn’t have the kind of friendship with anyone that I had with the little girl next door who I spent hours playing with before either of us went to school. The closest friendships I have now are ones I have formed during college and beyond. So going to school wasn’t the “key” to making friends for me. In fact, when I was in gradeschool and especially in high school, I often wished for a good friend, a favorite playmate, someone I really enjoyed spending time with, but most of my “friendships” were quite superficial. Being in school did not meet that need.]
I’ve heard from other parents that four is a tough age. They aren’t enthused with their world anymore (like Joey is – he completely entertains himself right now, just like Ben used to). Yet they don’t have a long attention span yet, allowing them to do things like sit and color or do other such activities for more than a few minutes. In fact, my assertion that it isn’t the terrible twos one must worry about – it’s the terrible four’s – has been met with confirmation. One family said that they were almost to the end of their rope, and then their child turned five and became this completely different person who was so much easier to entertain and get along with. I’m hoping that experience is true for us as well, though we have a ways to go before we reach that milepost.
For now, though, I have hope. I have taken action and done things that make living with Ben a little easier, and I have ideas for more things we can do as well. There is no reason why living with Ben cannot once again be the joy it once was (at least most of the time). We shall prevail.
I have been thinking that the solution for Ben seems to be involving him someway in your work–as evidenced in his joy of having a paintbrush and “water painting” on the outside of the house or helping wash the car, the dishes, etc. He is really into wanting to do what you guys do and is bored with his little boy activities. You are definitely hitting the nail on the head as far as I am concerned with letting him watch and “do” some little parts, as much as he is capable of. It pays dividends now and will pay big dividends with his helping later on when you want him to do “chores” that he is capable of. Even now, it could be his responsibility to gather trash from the various rooms (maybe you don’t have trans recepticles? ? )If you will recall, as a very young child I had you hanging the socks on the guy wires of the clothesline while I hung up the rest of the clothes. You were quite thrilled to have your very own basket as well as “clothesline” to do a very grown up activity. Ben is not unlike his mother in that respect, or other children his age. I am glad you have decided to make an effort to let him play with a friend more often–choosing the right friends is so important, as you have noted as well. I’d love to see the book and the ideas it has in it. Great stuff from what you have shared.
Sounds like you’re definitely on the right track! Nicky is 4, and he does basic chores around the house. It makes him feel important, and staves off boredom at times. He sets the table for supper every other night, he unloads the silverware basket from the dishwasher, he clears his place at the table after supper, he picks up his toys each evening and helps keep his room clean, and he matches socks for me from the laundry.
I think school or homeschool is such a personal choice. It never would have worked for us, I don’t have the patience to teach them even if I could be home full-time. Drew loves school, but from experience I can tell you that they can be bored there, too. And when they get bored there they still have to sit in class and be still, and it can get them in trouble! I’m glad Drew goes to school every day, and he enjoys it, but at this point his best friends are those that he made at the sitter’s house from age 6 weeks to 5.